Good-bye From The Army Wife

I don't even know where to start this post. 

My mind is all over the place right now, and I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the past few weeks.  I realize that this post probably won't go up until after I leave, and I think that's a good thing.  It gives me time to process what I want to say, and the best way to articulate it.  

I came here almost four years ago scared, worried and nervous.  Everyone kept telling me that it would be an amazing experience and that I would love every minute of it.  I was terrified to be thrown into a world where I didn't understand the language or any of the rules.  I was worried about making friends, and what I would do to entertain myself while Pete as away.  

I know, these are all ridiculous things.

But I was just scared, plain and simple.

I could go back and reminisce all the little things that have happened over the last four years.  But that  could take forever.  So here's some ramblings that probably won't make sense.

It took me a very long time to call myself an "Army wife."  I am married to a dentist who doesn't go out in the field all the time.  He doesn't go out and shoot guns on the range unless he is required to (although he would love to be able to do that more).  He isn't stuck at the office till all hours of the night, or called back into the office because he has a commander who wants to prove his superiority.  

He is in the DENTAC, not the real Army.

Even when Pete deployed to Afghanistan I had a hard time considering myself an "Army wife." Yes, I was forced into being a single mom.  Yes, I did it all on my own, and I rarely got to speak with my husband.  In fact, I spoke with my husband much less than most other wives who had deployed husbands.  He was in such a remote place that we spoke on the phone 4 times, could not instant message, and had to send emails back and forth for hours just to have a conversation.  

Still, I was not an "Army wife."

After he came home, he left again for months.

Still not an "Army wife."

I watched as friends sent their husbands to Afghanistan; I saw the fear in their eyes and my heart broke for them.  I knew the pain and the fear. I did the best I could to help them through those deployments.  

Still not an "Army wife."

But somewhere in all this mess of deployments and TDY's and all the other things that come with the army, I realized that I am, in fact, an "Army wife."

I really don't know when or how it happened.  

But I can say without a doubt that I came to that conclusion because I was in Germany.  I believe that if I had gone through all of this in the states I would not have come to the same conclusion.  I have been forced to be a part of the Army and it entails.  The awesome and the not-so-awesome parts.  

And it has made me a better person.  A stronger person.  A more loving person.  A more tolerant person.  

It made me an "Army wife."

And as I get ready to leave this part of my life behind, I sit and look back at what got me through all of this.  

I'll be honest, I am really going to miss the traveling here in Europe.  

I will miss my job.  It is the best job I have ever had, and I love working with military families and soldiers.

But more than that- much more than that- it's the people I will miss the most.  Not the Germans, although there are a few Germans included in that group of people I will miss.  

I will miss the people who got me through all those difficult times.  My friends.  My sisters. 

My ward. 

If you weren't aware, I am a member of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints.   The women of this ward have helped me through more than I can ever verbally express thanks for. One of my closest friends, Angela Ellsworth, said it best in a post she left on Facebook page:   

Making friends in the military is a strange business. We are forced together quickly to recreate those family and longtime friend relationships we took years and years to create. Within days or weeks we try to tie together support systems that we can depend on in hard times. The strangest thing to me is how amazing these quick friendships can be. We are really so lucky in our ward and community to have so many amazing women. There is not a one that I can think of that hasn't gone through hard times and made it through. I think of these women in my life and they are ALL so talented, beautiful, loving and quick to serve. This life and these relationships are not without struggle or misunderstanding. But each one deserves respect for what we are trying to accomplish far away from family and sometimes spouses.

I think it's why it's so hard to say goodbye. Part of that support system that we came to rely on won't be there. . . at least physically. I am so blessed and lucky to have been able to cross paths with you and so many other amazing women.  

And if you are not part of the military, it's something you won't ever understand.

Now, there are many of my friends who are not part of the church who have helped me through a lot, and I will truly miss them.  Many I won't see again, and this saddens me.  They are people who have become part of my everyday life, and I just expect to see them at certain points in the day.  It will be strange not to see them.

But there is something to be said about being in the military AND being a part of our church.  It makes the world so small.  That means that I will probably see these amazing sisters of mine again.

I think leaving Germany and leaving the military all in one big swoop is a lot.  And leaving my ward hurts.  But I will be forever grateful for the friendships I've made in the last 4 years.  There's something to be said about becoming friends while going through the amount of stress we did together.  It forces you to become confidants.  It forces you to depend on each other.  It forces you out of whatever comfort zone you feel you belong, and jump though someone else's comfort zone to help them.

And I am so blessed to be forced into all that.

To all the friends I met in Germany-whether we are the same religion or not-
thank you.

Good-Bye Luncheon From My Girls

My amazing and wonderful friend Tera put together a good-bye luncheon for me the day before we left.  I was so glad she did!  I wanted to say good-bye to everyone, but I wasn't about to put together my own party!

I look like a mess in all of these pictures.  We had all spent a good amount of time crying.  Each person said something about me.  I wish I had written them all down.  I have never felt so loved before.  It was amazing.

This picture is titled "Ode to Pam."  If you know me, you know why.

This is Indie.  She has been in Young Women's with me since we both moved to the ward.  She's not an emotional person, but we both cried on each other's shoulders this day.  I was so glad she skipped school to come say good-bye!

Indie's amazing mom, Amie Vance.

Amber Jeppson. 

Missy Layton.

Elizabeth Tucker.

Maratee Andrus.

Bekah Chatterly.

Crystal Burningham.

Mary Anne Miner.

The wonderful Tera Blackham.

Jami Jensen.

Jen Kiel.

Rachel Velasquez.

Angie Ellsworth.

Our Last Few Days In Germany

Our last few days in Germany were really tough emotionally, but really amazing at the same time.  We said good-bye to so many friends that have become our family.  I learned that my friends truly do  love me, and that they love  my family. 

This has been the hardest move in our 13 years of marriage. 

Hands down.

At the bus stop in the morning.  I miss these mornings.  It was always so fun catching up with my neighbors, even though most of the time we had seen each other just the night before.

Bailey, Noah, Annie, Joey and Ali.

These girls have been the best of friends.

Madisen was the newest member to the group a few months ago.  She fit right n.

I had to have Pete take Cooper to his last day of school.  I knew I would be a wreck.  Looking back I wish I would have gone, just to say good-bye and thank you to his amazing teachers.  His experience at the German school is something that he and I won't forget.

This is Alex.

And this is Stephi.

We were in such a rush to get rid of everything in our house.  Pete and I spent hours Friday morning cleaning and dumping garbage.  Once the inspector  came to check it out, we handed the keys over and that was it.  I was locked out of the house that had been our home for the last 4 years.  I cried.

A few of the neighborhood kids.

Joey, Madisen, Bailey, Annie, Noah, Aiden, Cooper, Aiden, T.J. and David...escaping.

The Blackhams and the Emmons.

The dynamic of this group is one we won't find again.  The Blackhams moved in about three weeks after we did. Our kids grew up together, knew everything about each other, took care of each other.  Its hard to imagine them not playing together everyday anymore.

Instead of having to rent a car after mine was shipped, my good friend Shawn let us borrow her husband's Mustang.  Pete was pretty happy.

We moved into the hotel Friday night, and on Saturday, Noah's best bud Cohlton and his mom picked Noah up for the day.  They spent hours together playing and having lunch.  At the end of the day, Noah and I shed many tears.  This is a kid (and a family) that we will truly miss.

Sunday was particularly rough on me.  We had to say good-bye to our ward, and I had to say good-bye to my Young Women. I have been in the Young Women's program the entire four years in Germany.  I have watched girls come and go, struggle, be amazing and everything in between.  I wouldn't have traded a single day with them for anything.  This is a group of some of the girls and leaders.

They all surprised me by decorating the room before I came in.  I burst into tears.

Elizabeth and I.

Coco and I.

My Angela... or Angie-Poo... or Pamgela... or Pamgie.  We go by many names.

Gio and Cooper.

Sicily and Annie.

On Monday we stopped by the school to pick up records and to say good-bye to the teachers and classes.  This is Noah's class, and his teacher, Mrs. Banister.  She was the most amazing teacher Noah has had up to this point.

A few of Annie's friends and her teacher, Mrs. Fife, in the back ground.  Annie was loved by everyone in her class.

I wasn't expecting any gifts, but my Young Women and friends gave me all this.   Each of the Young Women wrote me a letter, and it took me two days to gather my emotions enough to read them all.  I am so thankful for all of them.

Memories

This picture was taken in 2009, one month after we arrived in Germany.  We were in front of the German alps, in Garmisch.

(Sorry, it's a scanned copy)

And this picture was taken in 2013, one month before leaving Germany, in the same spot.

We tried our best to make it the same- Cooper was so uncomfortable being held like that, Annie had a fever and Noah thought he was smiling but really he was just sad that we were leaving. 

Everyone is a little bigger (including Pete and I), and I like the lens I used on the first picture better than the one I used in the second.

Crazy how things change!