This past week I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my thoughts and feelings since last Friday. At first I was just in shock. There was a brief moment of hope, and then it turned to shock again.
After that it was just sadness.
I met Brigham just before I turned 12. He grew up a block or so from me, but because of school boundaries, we didn't go to the same school until Jr. High. He was such a fun loving teenager. He was friends with everyone. Everyone knew who he was and how much fun he was. We had even more fun in high school, especially our senior year, when we spent many hours together in our Health Occupations Organization. After he passed away last week, stories came up from everywhere about Brig. Some I remembered, some I had completely forgotten.
I have been trying to figure out why his passing hit me so hard. I haven't actually physically spoken to him in a couple of years, just conversations on Facebook. I asked my oldest friend, Tyson, who has known Brigham longer than I have, why this was so hard. His response made sense:
"Because he was a great guy. Because it hits close to home. Because we have known him forever. Because he was our friend. Because it just doesn't seem right. Because we are human."
As I chatted with another friend, she said what I couldn't put into words...
"I hate that things happen, big life-changing things and the sun keeps coming up and the rest of the world doesn't seem to notice and you are left thinking 'You don't understand! You can't just go to a movie or go to the store! This amazing person isn't here anymore and you didn't even know them!'"
It's true. This world lost a fantastic man, and I feel bad for the people who never knew him.
To Brigham's family and closest friends:
I wish I could take away your pain. I don't have to tell you how spectacular Brig was. You raised him, made him the person he was. He learned service from you. I think all of us who knew Brig will be forever grateful to you for making him the man he was. You also know the gospel, and that you will see him again. Please know that as you lay Brig's body to rest this weekend, you have the love and support of so many people, from everywhere.
To Brigham:
Wow. I don't know what to say. I actually thought about you on Friday morning, as I was starting my day. I wondered what you were up to. So to find out later that Friday was your last day here on earth shook me.
You knew that I grew up in a family of firefighters. Both my dad and uncle were firefighters, and my grandpa was the chief. Maybe that's why we kept a connection after high school. I used to post pictures of my kids at random fire stations, sitting on trucks. You used to tell me to bring the kids in to see your station the next time I was in Utah. Maybe that's why it's so hard to say good-bye... I never brought them in. Life got in the way every time I came to Utah.
We had fun in school, walking home from SJH. We had a great Senior year, trying to figure out where life would take us.
I'm so glad we kept in touch over the years. I've enjoyed watching you serve the state of Utah in such a brave, selfless way. I have a huge place- and I mean a HUGE place- in my heart for firemen. That means you are a part of that huge place. I am so happy that you found the love of your life. I loved that you shared that with all of us. Thank you for letting us experience that with you.
Thank you for letting us all be a part of your life for so many years.
You will truly be missed, and will forever be in our hearts. I'm sorry I can't be there as you are laid to rest, but I can promise you that the next time I'm in Utah, I'll be stopping by to visit you.
And to Jamie:
I'm so sorry that your world will forever be different. I'm so sorry that you won't see Brigham every day for the rest of your life, like you had planned. My heart breaks for you, and no matter what people say, we may never know the pain you feel.
Sometimes I feel that social media allows people to be lazy in their condolences, sending a virtual hug or an "I'm sorry" and moving on. However, in this case, it's not true. You are supported and loved by so many people right now. People you've never met, people who have never met Brigham, people who's lives were touched by him. Because he was such an amazing man, you have an amazing support group. And even though some of these supporters have never met you, we know you, because we know Brig. We know he would want someone who was strong, loving, caring and kind. All the things he was. And I know you'll continue to be those things, especially for him.
It's like I told you before, when you love deeply, you can hurt just as deeply.
Time will heal that.
Just know that we love you, and will forever be here for you.
Next time I'm in Utah, let's run a race in Brig's name.
Bye, Brigham. We'll see you on the other side someday, and we'll miss you till that day comes.
